It has been almost 5 months since I lost one of most important men in my life. I haven't said much about it because in some ways, I didn't want it to be true. I thought that perhaps by staying silent it would hurt less, and in some cases it does. It feels like I will see him again, except instead of me gypsying around, it is his turn exploring. But as time keeps going by, and life is... well... life - I look around me to find that one person who would always give me unsolicited advice. The one person who would come snuggle me any chance he got, and tell me stories that wouldn't seem to end. I looked for that safe place and my heart aches without him.
I got to be there the night I lost my Opa. I don't know about you but when it comes to spiritual crossing over so to speak, I am not one that feels the flood gates open and the souls swooshing past. I have physically been around 2 important transitions at the end of life and both have been the same feelings- nothing.
I am not sure how I feel about that. I was always expecting a lot more, but at the same time I like the feeling as if nothing has changed, and as if they haven't actually left me. That doesn't seem to help me though, when they are no longer actually there. My Grandma P who lived until 96 told me that her life advice was "the sooner I get used to the fact that everyone dies, the sooner I can enjoy life". I never understood quite what she meant until I continued to lose those close to me. It hurts more than I can explain, and yet here she was, full of life, and had lost her husband, children, friends.. so many people in her time and so many too soon that it makes me wonder what side it is better to be on? Surely we would assume that we should be "pro-life".... but I can tell you, if I had to choose between my son or me... I wouldn't want to be the one left standing.
The weeks leading to the loss of my grandfather all he cared about was that we were ok. He kept telling me that he wasn't afraid of dying, he was just sad that he wouldn't be there for us when we needed him. We obviously hushed him up and said we would be fine.. took care of him as he needed to be taken care of this time.. but as life piles up, one thing after the next, I find myself really needing him for the first time and I too am sad. Sad and oddly perplexed as to what happens next? Is this a time in my life where someone else comes along? A new teacher of sorts? Or do I transcend into this new being, where I no longer need his advice and search deeper within myself for the answer. Perhaps I never did need his advice, and it was just the warm energy and loving hugs that made all the difference... Or... maybe, much like the feeling of his transition, nothing happens.. and death is just something we need to learn how to deal with. I still enter my Oma's house and yearn for her to say to me "go see your grandfather and make him feel better". I want to run and sit down beside him, cuddle up and listen to him complain about whatever it was that was on his mind that day... See him quickly shift and cheer up in minutes.
There is no advice or lesson in this blog. Just a girl who extremely misses her Opa, and at 4 1/2 months post is finally ready to embrace the fact that he is no longer here. Is finally allowing the heartache in to its full extent, and who is finally ready to heal.
The day after it happened, my girlfriend sent me a beautiful quote that said "grief is just love that has nowhere to go", so I think that may be my first step, the place my energy goes; into finding more love, giving love, sharing love as much as I can... but also in feeling love again. Feeling and accepting that others could unconditionally love me the way he did, become open to the possibility of new relationships to come, and to nurture the ones that are still here to the best of my ability.... while they are still here. Because I honestly don't know what more I can do than that? And I know that sharing the love I had for him, that kind of love, is exactly what he would want... no matter how hard that may feel, how misguided or awkward the redirection process may be, because once he re-establishes himself not on this earth, but positioned from planting the seeds in the hearts of every life he has touched - that is when the exponential magic, healing and connection begins to bloom.
All my love to everyone who is grieving right now in this world, no matter what it is or who it is that has been lost. Lets connect and get through this together. XOXO