At what point did I start to get soft? While the physical results are there, I am not talking about those. I am talking about the weakness of mind and spirit.
While I may have been a bitch in high school - and perhaps, a little self-absorbed, I was also fearless. I did things without thinking too hard about it. I tried like I had nothing to lose and I would cry my eyes out and get back up before having time to even wipe them.
Some of this resilience has stayed, but a strange form of tiredness has parked itself inside of me and said "how about lets not". Ive tried looking through the halls and rooms of my interior emotional house but this - lack of effort - is hiding quite deep within.
I feel so tired constantly starting over again.
I feel fearful of failure.
Juggling the roles of mom-student-entreprenuer-partner-etc is tough.
My workout regime feels inconsistent - compared to what its used to.
Trying not to compare too much....
As I was recovering from another round of mama/baby flu, I sat there contemplating the above, until something snapped me out of it and said "what the fuck is wrong with you - when did you get so soft?".
Ummm pardon me? (If you can't tell by now I have a lot of inner dialogue that comes on in my life lol)
It really made me think... when did I get so soft? Is it juggling everything while having a child? Was it recovering post-natal? Was it the lack of sleep during pregnancy? The feeling like shit and stopping exercise the second I got pregnant? The heart pounding hurt of ending relationships one after the other? Was it when I stopped saying how I felt to people?
The answer is - It doesn't matter.
What matters is pulling on my big girl/boy pants and getting my head back in the game. Trying hard when I don't want to. Trying even harder when I really don't want to lol. Telling myself to shut up and keep going. Giving myself a high five and a butt slap when I did a job well done. Its about falling and failing hard and getting up before I have a chance to feel the blood trickle down from my scraped up knees.
I need to be that person again. No. I WANT to be that person again that is forward focused with no reserve. The one that tells myself - and I am sorry folks - but clients too that you have to (as nike would say) "Just Do It".
As we age, things don't necessarily get easier and if we don't figure out how to do it all now, shits just going to go downhill and thats the honest truth.
NOW - IS THE BEST TIME YOU COULD EVER CHOOSE TO START.
Not Tomorrow - Not Next Week - and most definitely Not Next Year.